STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Hmm, not sure about this change
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.