Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Dead sexy!!
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.