[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
car not found
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.