Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.