dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
In Canada they just call them geese
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?