I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.