*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Britain be like
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Confused owl: What?!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
when there are deer in the woods
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.