I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
😬
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*seductively eats two tums*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*