I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
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you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Meow?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO