If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
This is a sub tweet
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.