somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.