If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
japanese corn
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Never be a pizza!
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.