*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job