[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I told my vodka about you.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
You are not alone 💚
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.