Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
The Assassin.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks