“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
You Might Also Like
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
wtf management?!
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
You are what you delete.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)