I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
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Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.