Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Strange
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Y’all know who you are.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Every Adele song is about lasagna.