Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You Might Also Like
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
When you’re here for the treats.