Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Hit me in the face with a bird
Breaking news:
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk