Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.