Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now