I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
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People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Just got to our Airbnb!
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I have many caverns
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..