I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.