Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work