I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Fight
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Webb. James Webb.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The French word for sex is croissant.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap