Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
You Might Also Like
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.