If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.