Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Every work call, he judges.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Brother?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.