Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
lmao
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents