The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Personal question. #JustSaying
Writing, She Murdered.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit