Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
You Might Also Like
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
THIS HEADLINE
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
when u come home smelling like another dog
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–