Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
He wanted to make sure😂