i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
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bout dat hot dog summer
These are my roll models.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Thursday
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts