1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Customer is always right
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.