[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
You Might Also Like
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Can’t stop laughing
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds