FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Breaking news:
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS