gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
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I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.