am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
You Might Also Like
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
scared to check what name she chose
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
just having fun
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.