Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him