[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
He’s dead
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?