Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source