Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
You Might Also Like
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.