Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.