There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys