*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer