Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I love twitter
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*