Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Don’t talk down to me
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?