My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*