If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
How to draw a duck
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…